My first panic about everything

27th July 2008: I had to fill out a health questionnaire sent to me by Nuffield Hospital (I’m having my operation there) and this opened the floodgates of fear and worry. I am absolutely terrified (this isn’t a good enough word for what I feel) of the operation and what is going to happen afterwards. I’m dreading going into hospital as I’ve never had an operation before and I’m dreading being put to sleep and letting Mr Gray loose on my head to shave some hair off and go close to my facial nerves during the operation! I wish my boyfriend was around to help allay my fears but he’s on holiday until the 11th August. My own family are going away tomorrow so I’m going to be left alone with my fears until Anthony comes back. I don’t want to talk to my friends because I know that it’s not going to help. I just want to be held until it’s time to go in and have it done. What has helped me today is researching people who have had it done, it all seems to be so positive. I know that I will be ok and I will come out the other side. What I’m scared of is a fear of the unknown because I’ve no idea what I’ll be able to hear after the switch on. I’m scared of everything sounding different and not liking it and wanting to go back to hearing aids. The problem is, I won’t be able to do this in the ear that I’ll have been implanted in! I also know it’s going to be a lot of hard work, learning to listen again and make sense of sounds. So I’ve just got to keep reminding myself that it’ll be ok, I’ll hopefully be able to hear better and I won’t regret it when all the hard work’s over. One side of me keeps saying “Why are you doing this? You’re saying goodbye to everything you’ve ever known for 18 years.” Because, even though I know I miss out on the higher frequencies of sounds and quite a lot of other things, I still think I’m a hearing persona and nothing needs to be changed. But then, having one way conversations on the phone with my boyfriend does not make me happy. The prospect of possibly hearing his voice a bit clearer does. The prospect of hearing my friends talk to me without straining my eyes and my neck all the time does. Hearing myself say the letter ‘s’ does. I can only feel myself saying it and having to repeat my own name which begins with the letter ‘s’ to strangers is getting very annoying. My policy from now until 21st August (my operation date) is not to think about it and try to look forward to it. :D